Sunday, 1 December 2013

25 Days of the Elf on the Shelf - Day One: Shit!

I'm sure every mother out there knows all about the Elf on the Shelf. The creepy little elf that comes with a book, and he or she shows up December first and then flies back to the North Pole every night to report to the Big Guy about if your kids are being total assholes or not. Or something like that. This is what I've heard, but I don't know for certain because I haven't even read the effing book. 

Anyway, last year I had visions of myself being one of those good moms who participates in this December ritual. I stalked every possible store where one might be sold, and there was nothing. I even employed family members to do the same, and there was nothing. My name was on lists for the following year, for crying out loud. There wasn't an elf on the continent for my poor deprived youngster. 

But something happened on Christmas morning. A Christmas miracle, if you will. One of Brad's relatives had sent a gift to Avery, and when I opened it on Christmas day, I nearly soiled my jammies. It was the Elf herself - a girl, no less - and I was in. Look out, Good Mom Club, I'm your newest member. Bring on next December. I'm going to rock that shit like nobody's business. 

Day One of Elf on the Shelf: Shit!

Liam decided last night that he was going to wake up a few times, and on those occasions, he was going to stay awake for a bit of a yarn. Finally, he decided after being awake for a significant part of the night, that 7:10am was an appropriate time to start the day, and never went back to sleep again until some time close to lunch. Superb. 

Brad was gone for the night and my mother was staying over. I staggered down over the stairs with tunnel vision to the coffee maker. We made breakfast, we chatted, we finished decorating, we hung a picture, Brad came home, bla bla bla. At some point this afternoon, I logged on to facebook, and BAM. All the good moms were online posting their pictures of their f*cking elves who had gotten into all sorts of shit last night. 

There were cotton balls strewn everywhere in some houses, dates with Barbies in others. Some had made snow angels in sugar, others were having pool parties in the bathroom sink. Some people even had links to these super amazing mom's blogs that had titles like, "Fifty Thousand Elf on the Shelf Ideas! WOO HOO!"

What a bunch of hookers.

Guess what mine was doing? That's right, asphyxiating herself with a twist tie, still in the effing box! 

I decided that perhaps Zippy could wait till tomorrow to start getting into some shenanigans, and I also decided that I'd one up these perfect elf mothers and do a series of posts of ideas for the mom who is so freaking exhausted that her eyeballs are shriveled and bleeding, and doesn't want to clean up after herself, let alone her kids and some shitty, dirty little elf bastard.  Or, as Ashley's mother says, "We can say that we'll do that..."

I'll give it a shot anyway. 

...stay tuned...

"Day One: Zippy is resting..."

No comments: