Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Putting the "Nut" in Nutella

Once upon a time, in my late teens, early 20's, I had this boyfriend who I was totally in love with. He was my first love and I was devastated when he broke up with me. It was pathetic. After we were broke up he would continue to call me when he was drunk and tell me he still loved me and I would pick him and his drunk friends up from downtown at ungodly hours and drive them all home only to find out the next day that he had a new girlfriend or something that would dig the knife in deeper. I was at his beck and call 24/7, waiting for him to wake up and realize how much I loved him. I'm telling you, Adele has nothing on me. This went on for a couple of years until I finally met my husband who metaphorically slapped me across the face and told me to smarten up and open my eyes. He literally told me that I was too good for someone to treat me like that and shouldn't be wasting my time running around falling all over someone who very obviously didn't give a shit about me.

Over the next year, Brad and I would email every day and see each other on the weekends at a mutual friend's house that was always the spot to go before downtown, and finally we made it official, only to get engaged six months later. The romance is disgusting.

Anyway, the point of this little love story, is that this morning I realized something absolutely horrendous. Even though I swore to myself that I would never lower my standards to such an embarrassing level again, I am now in a pathetic one sided relationship with none other than Nutella.

Yes, it is sad, but true. Nutella and I have been carrying this relationship on since my sister introduced us a few years back via a sample she received in the mail. I have been a needy girlfriend ever since.

At first, everything was great. We would hang out in a group, with nutritious whole grain toast. We were just friends at that point and it wasn't a really big deal. Before I knew it though, toast became a bit of a third wheel and I would catch myself flying solo with Nutella. Sneaking mouthfuls of it on it's own, with no vehicle as a buffer. I would shake it off and crawl back on the wagon, but we gradually told whole grain toast to hit the bricks and started hanging out with Teddy Grahams, which are really fun guys but have way less nutritional value. It's like when you have a guy you like and in the beginning you bring your girlfriends around so that you don't do anything stupid, but then eventually you ditch your friends and start hanging out with just him and his friends and before you know it, you're wasted and shaking your bare knockers on a Girls Gone Wild video.

Teddy Grahams were only around for a short while though before Nutella and I started an exclusive relationship. One of those crazy ones where we only hang out together and don't go anywhere and spend all our time alone at home together. With a spoon.

Eventually I tried to tell Nutella that it wasn't working out. We stopped talking for a long time. Every now and then though, I would be at the grocery store and convince myself that I was strong enough to carry on a normal healthy friendship with him. I could do this. I'm better than this. I would purchase the small jar and try to maintain composure by spreading a small amount on a whole grain pancake. I was weak though, and before I knew it, I'd be scraping the bottom with one of Avery's long handled baby spoons to ensure I could get right in there. Similar to agreeing to go for coffee with your ex, and then waking up the next morning, hung over a shit and half dressed in his bed.

I found myself scraping the bottom of another small jar this morning. I keep telling myself that Nutella is no good for me and doesn't really care about me, but I know that in another little while, I'll see him out while I'm pushing my cart, and talk myself in to bringing him home for a little chat and to talk about the good old days again, only to end up crying on the kitchen floor with a pain in my belly and an extra few inches on my ass.

Thankfully, Brad came along and showed me what a relationship should be and helped me finally get my head out of my ass and cut ties with my ex, but who is going to fill Nutella's shoes? Not Salad or the Gym, I'll tell you that for free.

Never mind, Nutella, I'll find someone like you. 

1 comment:

Amber said...

This is all sorts of awesome. lol.