Cream of your choice
iPhone or any other type of expensive electronic that babies so enjoy
1-2 large Bouncer-esque bodyguards, preferably with tattoos on their face and/or neck
A tranq gun
Drink the wine. This helps to calm you so that you don't snap, freak out, and give up, allowing your baby to run around naked and therefore urinate and defecate all over your home.
By now, things are probably a little fuzzy and you're probably having trouble pronouncing your vowels. It's time to take out your diapers, wipes,cream, car keys and iPhone. If you're having trouble standing, the bouncers also come in handy at this point. Lets call them Hanz and Johann.
With the help of Hanz and Johann, place your wrigley baby directly onto the changing surface. Try to remove the clothing as quickly as possible. This is probably a good time to break out the keys and phone as there is a 99% chance that your baby is in the beginning stages of performing a back handspring onto the floor.
If it's just pee, give the goods a quick wipe, slap on some cream and whip the diaper on as your child does a final pike and dismount. If there's poo, move on to step four...
Poo is a major game changer. Hanz and Johann also are going to have to play a more intimate role. Each are going to have to secure a set of limbs. This is important as babies have a way of somehow getting said poo onto their thighs, heels, and especially up their back and onto the changing surface. They also are known to reach down, grab the sewage filled diaper, and fling it.
Your baby is not going to be pleased with this arrangement and is probably going to start squealing and bucking like a horse. Keys and phones are futile for poo changes. It's time to bring in the tranq gun.
When using procedural sedation on my baby for messy diaper changes, I prefer to use Propofol. It has an onset of 30 seconds and only lasts about 10 minutes. Perfect amount of time to scrape off the cement like fecal matter. You can use whatever you chose though. Ketamine is also a great one. Onset of 1-2 minutes and lasts 15-30 minutes. Perf!
Once your baby is tranquilized, Hanz and Johann can go back to supporting your swaying body while you take care of the situation that is your baby's bodily functions. Take this moment to admire your sweetly
Never leave your baby unattended while they are heavily under the influence of anesthetics. Only terribly bad mothers would ever do that.
When your baby begins to come to, he or she is probably going to be pretty confused and somewhat violent. Don't worry about it. This is totally normal. You are probably going to have to reorient them several times, and they may or may not try to spit in your face and/or kick you in the guts, but once they realize where they are, they will be fine. Promise!
And there you have it, Mommas! Five easy steps to changing your growing baby. Only three if it's just pee! Happy changing!
My hand after an unfortunate incident, pre bouncers and tanq gun