Wednesday, 4 April 2012

A List of my Favorite Parenting Tools...

Hello, fellow mothers. I'm guessing that you're all probably wondering how I've managed to hone my exemplary maternal skills, as well as become such a superior parent, and human in general, in such a short period of time. Wait no longer. I have decided on this rainy Wednesday, while my child snoozes after ridding her rectum of five days worth of stool, that I would take this quiet moment to compile a list of my top five tips and products that have helped me channel my extreme mothering prowess. 

1. Coffee. 

I know, I know, many mothers are concerned about the passing of caffeine through breastmilk, but I am here to tell you not to care. Coffee is a magical substance that transforms me, as well as other users, from a baggy eyed, dark circled, grumpy bag of shit, into a glowing, loving wife and mother.  It gives me the urge to skip around without a care in the world, playing with my beautiful daughter and my amazing dog. It makes me want to cook beautiful suppers for my family, sweep the floors (sometimes), take bareback rides on unicorns, and search for pots of gold at the end of nonexistent Newfoundland rainbows. 

I do have the skills, being a nurse and all, to directly inject the coffee into my bloodstream, and would not be above this practice if only for the fact that I am saving my plump, young veins for when I have my second child and likely have to move onto injecting cocaine. I've heard that it gives you even more energy, and is great for weight loss too. 

2. Scope. 

I only have one child and I am all too aware of the fact that sometimes dental hygiene just isn't on Avery's agenda. For this reason, Scope is a new mother's best friend. Swish it around a few minutes before your husband gets home, and you'll be deliciously fresh when he tries to slip you the tongue in the front porch when you meet him with his whiskey on the rocks and newspaper. Use the sleeve of your super sexy spitup/baby food stained oversized sweatshirt  to remove the fur from your visible teeth, and no one will ever know the difference! Also, for all you mothers who like to enjoy a relaxing smoke while simultaneously bottle feeding your little darling some Carnation milk, try switching to menthols! It will make all the difference!

3. A Playpen. 

The playpen is a recent discovery for me, but it took me only mere seconds to open my arms, mind and heart to it's magical powers. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of the sling and continue to use mine, however now that Avery is mobile she has other ideas. The playpen is large enough for her to crawl around in as well as a place for her to be contained while I do such things as vacuum, shower, sneak a drink or take a nap. 

If she is left there for too long, she starts to get dramatic and you wouldn't know but the playpen was the actual "Cell" from that Jennifer Lopez movie, so it is only a quick fix, but still. Let's be serious, anything that allows you to be able to turn your back for five seconds and not have to worry about your child ingesting a foreign object is very clearly an amazing invention. 

4. A Bathtub. 

This works better if you have two bathtubs, but the bathtub serves a multitude of purposes. Firstly, the tub has the ability to both calm your screaming lunatic baby, as well as occupy other family members as it is frowned upon by society in general to leave a small child alone in standing water. It's a great place to put your baby immediately after they proceed to shit up their back and/or front, and also can help your caffeine laden breastfed child wind down for the evening. 

The bath can serve as a playground, a family gathering place, and a major sedative. What's not to like? But it doesn't stop there, moms. The bathtub is also for you. 

I could sit here all day, pounding away on the keys about how much I enjoy the tub. I fill it as high as it will go with water as hot as I can stand, and submerge my exhausted body as frequently as possible. I put my child to bed, I leave my husband downstairs to listen to his records, or watch sports or whatever it is that he does, and I soak and read for as long as humanly possible. I have come to crave this alone time and find myself sometimes counting the hours until I can rush away to my happy place... the ensuite. The best part about it is that its something you can do every day, and it's free... unless you ask my husband who pays the power bill. In that case we'll say it's cheaper than the spa, and you know what goes amazingly well with the tub? Number 5, that's what. 

5. Wine. 

Let us all bow our heads in silence for a moment and thank whatever higher power you so choose, for wine. I love wine. I love drinking wine with friends, I love drinking wine with my husband (who drinks beer), I love drinking wine in the tub, I love drinking wine with family, I love drinking wine with dinner, and hell, I love drinking wine with breakfast. 

I will take this opportunity to state that as much as I love wine, and as often as I like to drink it, it does not get consumed nearly this often. More like once every few weeks as alcoholism does not pair well with parenting, obviously because of the early mornings. 

Every so often though, I like to crack open a bottle of Pinot, relish in the sound of the golden liquid pouring out of the bottle and hitting the glass, and sip it elegantly until I can no longer pronounce my T's. There is nothing wrong with it, and nothing to be ashamed of. Once it almost got out of hand while I was home alone, but then I quickly called my sister, Angela, and she quickly popped by because if you are drinking wine with someone else then you don't have a problem. She's always there when I need her...

There you have it, ladies. The best kept secrets of motherhood. I hope you all enjoy! Also, feel free to follow me on twitter! @surprisemomma

Disclaimer: in case there are some of you out there who don't get my humor, just know that lack of sleep makes me sarcastic and most of this was a joke... but not all. I'll let you figure it out. 

No comments: