Saturday, 17 March 2012


Let me just put it out there, that I spent most of my life in a dance studio. All the girls in my family danced and it's kind of expected that Avery will dance too at some point. This is yet to be determined on my part...

My forte was classical ballet, however I like to think that my training allows me to be able to dance along to pretty much anything, so when I took notice that there was a Zumba class offered at my gym, I decided I would make a comeback from retirement. I dragged Ashley in too. This was going to be awesome. 

I think it's important to include some information before diving in to the story of my latest post baby weight maintenance endeavor. First of all, as previously noted, I have minimal experience in Latin dance. I was confident that I could do it though, not only because of my ballet background, but because my best friend, Jose Cuervo, and I used to get together (in mass quantities) and cut a mean rug on George Street to some of my fav tunes, like No Hay Igual (a classic).  I can't say for sure, but I'm pretty positive that my hair whipping and ass shaking was likened to Jennifer Lopez on more than one occasion. It definitely got me more than one jealous stare at the Martini Bar, I'll tell ya that for free. 

The morning of our first Zumba class, I was a little apprehensive. I had been in retirement for years, and I didn't think Jose would be welcome in a 9am class. I did, however, have a new top on, and paired it with my favorite bell bottomed Lulu Lemons, as I thought it would look very Zumba-ish. I contemplated wearing a pineapple on my head, but at the last minute decided against it. I didn't want to make Ashley feel inferior to my knowledge of Latin dance attire. 

By the time I pulled into the parking lot of the gym, I was ready to rock. I casually limbered my hips in the change room so that they would be warmed up for the massive amounts of shaking and pumping they would be doing. I'm pretty sure I looked like Shakira from the waist down at that point, even though she's Colombian. 

Ashley and I made our way into the studio and got ready to rock that shit. I have to say, at first sight, I was taken aback by the instructor. I had expected Salma Hayek to be in front of the mirrors in a ruffled sleeve top, however what I saw was a 5'2'' white girl who had hair like she was from the early 1990's and had an accent like she was from Hibb's Hole. I will give her credit that she was wearing a bright yellow top that said "ZUMBA!!" in hot pink, hot pink capris to match and full soled jazz shoes, but still, nothing like I had expected. 

Ashley and I gave each other a confused look and quickly moved to the back of the room. We decided to give her a chance though, maybe she was some sort of hidden Zumba instruction gem! Who knew? 

The only way that I can properly describe to you how this woman "danced", and I use this term loosely, is to first create a scenario for you. Picture this, if you will, and you may need to draw a flow chart for yourself. Pretend that Mick Jagger and Kramer were in a homosexual relationship. They each took some sperm and found a surrogate and used her eggs and she gave birth to girl and boy twins, who each were from either Mick or Kramer. Those twins grew up and became involved in an incestuous relationship that resulted in our Zumba teacher. 

Ashley and I spent a full 15 minutes trying to gyrate around the room as "Brenda" (we don't know her real name but feel this one is fitting) yelled commands and made up a dance as she went along that was in no way, shape, or form to the music. She would randomly call out things such as "Blow the horn!" whereby we would all have to pull our fists down as though we were blowing the horn of an 18 wheeler. She also seemed fond of adding random claps in places, as well as kicks. Our favorite, "our" being Ashley and I, was "Body roll!" whereby she would do a sort of standing worm and we would all have to follow along as well. It was amazing. 

I'm not sure how many of my five followers have any dance background, but it kind of goes like this: there are 8 counts. There is a move to every count, and you can count to any music. Generally, a dance teacher of any kind will show you the dance to the count, count you down, and then it's your turn. This never happened in Brenda Kramer-Jagger's class. 

As I mentioned earlier, 15 minutes into it, Ashley and I had to haul ass out of there. I was on the brink of bursting out laughing and Ashley, who is still dancing regularly, was ready to choke a bitch for making such a mockery.  

When we were out of earshot, Ashley made the very valid point that just because someone has an obnoxiously colored shirt that says "Zumba!!" with two exclamation points in it, that does not a Zumba instructor make. 

Neither Ash nor I have been back since, though I hear that Miss Kramer-Jagger is not the regular instructor and that the regular one is pretty good. Perhaps one day I will find out, but not today...

Body roll!

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