I started with scrapbooking. There was a neat little package at Costco one day that had the book, fancy scissors, sparkly glue, and all the general scrapbooking bells and whistles that one might need when starting out. I sat at the kitchen table that night and worked away at it while Brad watched hockey, cutting and gluing and writing things with the fancy gel pens. After about an hour I had one page done. This scrapbooking phase lasted about three nights and around six pages. Then I decided it was bullshit and too messy.
I moved on to knitting.
Knitting was way more fun and there was much faster self gratification. If I knit for an hour, I had something to show for it, which was exciting. I also found it strangely relaxing. I started with what could only be called a large dish cloth in a wool that looked pretty on the shelf at Wal-Mart, but would probably scrub the first layer of Avery's skin off very easily if it ever went near her.
After I was finished said dish cloth, I decided maybe I should get some softer wool and figure out another type of stitch, as I only knew one. I got my wool, went home, and Youtubed "how to knit a baby hat for beginners".
Well. What a time I had.
Not only did I learn another stitch, I learned how to put the two I knew together and make a hat. Then I Youtubed "how to knit a flower", slapped that together, and had a sweet little hat for my baby girl. This was amazing!
Avery in her first hat by Mom!
After I knit her about a thousand hats (all the same only different colors, of course), I decided to get a little crazy. I Youtubed how to knit something into the hat ( I chose a heart) AND, wait for it... a pom pom. I know. Settle down, right? And lucky Avery ended up with a hat that she can wear for the month of February.
I've become comfortable with the fact that when she is older, she is probably going to file for emancipation as a result of the head gear I am constructing for her. I have also become comfortable with the fact that if, instead of a baby, she was a helpless old woman, dressing her in these hats would probably be considered elder abuse.
Whatever.
Anyway, so here I was, at Wal-Mart again today, and I decided to take a little stroll down the aisle where they keep all the knitting paraphernalia. I perused the different tools that were there when I spied, with my little eyes, a crochet hook.
"Ha ha!" I thought, "Think of the magical hats and hat accessories I could create with this sweet little tool!" I picked it up, threw it in the cart (insert eye roll from husband who is extremely embarrassed by my nanny hobbies), and went on my way, eagerly anticipating Avery's bedtime when I could sit back and crochet the shit out of a ball of yarn.
Finally 7:00 came and she went down relatively easy, which was excellent, as all I could think about throughout her bedtime routine was what an awesome hat I was going to crochet when I got back downstairs.
When she dozed off, I threw on my jammies, curled up in my chair with my hook and my yarn, slapped the laptop in front of me and Youtubed a nice Mexican lady who very patiently and slowly explained to me and demonstrated how to make a chain.
I don't mean to brag or anything, but I make a mean chain. I took that hook and I chained like there was no tomorrow. Within five minutes I had a chain that was long enough for Brad to hang himself with when he walked in and became so overwhelmed with sexual arousal at the site of me crocheting in flannel pink penguin pyjamas that he had to all out end his life. Clearly I had found my calling.
Next, Consuela, or whatever her name was, began the demonstration on how to make a single crochet. This was a little more complicated and took me much longer to get the hang of. I found myself getting frustrated with my tutor, and I had to pause and go back a couple of times. I even caught myself asking her to wait on one occasion. Perhaps crocheting wasn't as easy as I had anticipated...
After several repetitions of the single crochet, I managed to get it down. I was ready to move on. Bring it, Maria... or whatever.
So, now it was time to Chain and Turn. José started to explain this, but then quickly turned it into a Half Double Crochet.
Hold on there, señorita.
I watched the section again and again. I repeated what she was doing so often that I began to resemble the Rain Man. The only difference between my crochet thing and hers, was that mine looked like shit. After about 40 attempts, I was ready to ram my crochet hook in Alejandra's temple.
The moral of this story is that crocheting is for assholes, and Avery better get used to having a pretty large eared hat collection. Either that or I try to branch out on my knitting, but obviously I don't do well with trying new things. At this rate my knitting needles will be fruitful and multiplying different varieties of eared hats that Avery will be wearing until she graduates.
Hobbies are bullshit.
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