Monday, 19 December 2011

This new thing called "Exercise" and my abusive boyfriend, Tina

Obviously the body that sweet little Avery left me with would absolutely not do. I couldn't even get my fat jeans past my knees and my leftover gut and boobs were nothing short of an atrocity. I found for a little while that my LuLu Lemon pants kind of sucked in my flab, but unless I could wear them inside my skinny jeans, they were not going to be any good to me for very long. 

Clearly I was going to need to call in reinforcements. 

On of my momma friends, Steph, and I decided to start Postnatal Bootcamp together to shed the pounds post baby. You probably all think this is a pretty sensible idea. If you think this, it's because you've never seen Steph. She is a runner who was training for a marathon when she got pregnant. When we started bootcamp, her baby was 9 weeks old and she had 4lbs to lose to get back to her pre-baby weight of zero lbs. Steph is a mom that I want to punch in the throat, but I can't because it would probably compromise our friendship.

If I had 4lbs to lose I could find a lot of ways to do it that would be way easier than joining bootcamp. For example, I would probably clip my toenails, get a hair cut, shave my legs, take my jeans off, and in extreme cases take a handful of laxatives (KIDDING!). 

At the same time, I was standing next to her on our first day of bootcamp having to lose the fat equivalent to Justin Beiber. Pre baby I would take a casual walk around the pond and went to a personal trainer to get in shape for my wedding doing weights only. Previous to this, the most vigorous cardio I ever did was probably on the dance floor at the Martini Bar and the most running I did was from the dance floor to the bar bathroom where I could quickly make room for more gin, tonic and bar mix. This kid over here hates physical activity.

Tina was our instructor. I knew I hated her within the first five minutes because she wanted us to run with our strollers around the perimeter of Bannerman Park. I stared at her for a few minutes waiting for her to start laughing and tell us she was kidding. This never happened. 

Holding a plank at bootcamp in Bowering Park

I ran about 4 feet before I could no longer catch my breath, had a stitch and was dry heaving. I felt as though I had spent my entire pregnancy smoking pack after pack of Export 'A' Golds while simultaneously eating butter with a spoon and anxiously awaiting paternity test results on Maury. To make matters worse, my ass and thighs continued to flap around for about five minutes after I had stopped running. Tina was prancing around us like a gazelle, running forwards and backwards and in circles around us to encourage us to keep going. She kept telling us all that "we could do it" and "we were strong". Who was this lady? 

I think I ran a total of 8 feet that whole day and did a sort of fast stomp the rest of the way around the park. I believe at one point I was even trying to convince my 3 week old newborn that it was time for her to grow up and start pushing mommy in the stroller. 

Pretending to be excited after being chased up Signal Hill by Tina
Pretty sure Tina took the pic from so far away so you couldn't see the fear in our eyes

After an enthusiastic run, Tina led us in what has to be considered the most ridiculous work out I have ever endured. There were planks and push ups and these horrible things called "Mountain Climbers". I was sure that this woman must have at some point been captured by the Taliban and tortured, only to escape and use the same torture tactics on poor new moms, all the while having a smile on her face. 

Here's the thing though... I kept going. I never missed a class. I swore loudly at her during runs, planks, push ups, dips, and basically every other thing she made me do other than drink my Gatorade.  I would tell her how much I hated her, but at the end of each cycle I would actually pay her to keep doing this to me. It was a classic abusive relationship. Except for the payment part. Or maybe this makes her kind of like my mistress only instead of leather and whips, she has LuLu Lemon and resistance bands. 

Anyway, I managed to lose 20lbs in bootcamp (plus the 20 I lost the week after Avery was born with the whole water weight loss, etc). I will give all of this credit to Tina because if she didn't spend the last 4 months yelling and chasing me around various ponds and up various hills I'm sure I still would be in about the same place weight wise as I was when I started. I can now run like a real life human and I'm even kind of thinking of running the Tely Ten this year (I know!). I'm not back to where I want to be quite yet, but I can at least put on my fat jeans, get them all the way done up and don't even have a muffin top! I'm also going to give her a little shout out and say that if you want someone to whip your ass into shape, there is none other than her (and I'm sure her whole team) at If there is anyone I would recommend you get in an abusive relationship with, it's her. 

Finally, I love you Steph and I hope you're not mad at me for talking about how skinny you are! I'm still not going swimming with you though. Not now or ever.  

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