Wednesday, 12 July 2017

5 Rules for a Better Marriage - Guest Blogger (My Huz)



So who knew that Surprise Dad could pound the keyboard as hard as he wants to pound me all the time (as you will soon see). 
Brad and I are bickerers, but not real fighters. Not long ago, I completely snapped and we had a huge blow out fight. Not something to be proud of, probably should have said what I needed to say a long time ago... but bottom line is we came out the other side better. And bucko wrote this, so I feel like it was a success. 
Please enjoy, and also, sorry about all the references to playing with his wang.

5 Rules for a Better Marriage
Your wife is your Queen. Full Stop.  You aren’t “partners” or “equivalents” or whatever other bullshit terminology you use. She’s a Queen and you’re lucky to have her. She runs a home, works a job, maybe hatched children and raises them. You're there to support. 
Now, some may roll their eyes and picture me as some man-bun wearing, downtrodden boy who has to adjust his skinny jeans every five minutes in case his balls lose circulation. WRONG. I’m a 6’2” 220 alpha who can’t fit into skinny jeans and I can most likely drink you under the table and then throw the table at you. I don’t need a man-bun because bald is sexy. Yet, my wife is my Queen and I’m writing this not to remind others, but to remind myself.
Recently, my wife and I had a tough spot. I lost sight of how important she was. Sure we love each other but little things I was doing were negatively affecting her. The thing about little negative behaviors is that they can add up. I dearly love bickering and I was using it to deflect stress on to my Queen. Lauren doesn’t like bickering AT ALL and began questioned her happiness with me.  It devastated me. Like, totally blew up my world. If you’re like me, you wholeheartedly believe your wife is the most beautiful woman and best person in the world.  I’m working on making positive changes now and sharing them in hopes to ingrain them into me, help others and most importantly impress my wife.
Therefore, here are some rules that I’ve worked out for a more successful marriage:
  1. You don’t need a medal for emptying the dishwasher. First some context. My wife and I live in a town where the nearest family member is 180 km away. We get some help from dear friends but we are basically on our own. There’s no one to cook, clean or help run the kids around. It can create stress and tension. Unfortunately, wanting accolades for basic tasks was huge for me. I come home after work and do a pile of inane chores and look after the kids and expect her to immediately drop her pants after work because I’m so great. I could have used some perspective. I wanted a fucking parade for sweeping up under the couch and she (as a busy ER nurse) probably saved a few lives today. So now, I do the menial tasks to help out because THAT IS MY ROLE. We run this household together, there is no “me” and “her” there is “us.” She does her part and I do mine.
  2. Sex is not a right. My wife is the hottest woman in the world to me and I only have one goal in life, and that is to nail her 24/7. We have a great sex life, yet that wasn’t enough for me. I’d pout. A grown man, pouting. Getting shitty because she just worked two 12 hour shifts, on her feet all day and is now soaking in her tub. From here on out I’m satisfied with what I’m getting. Men only have one mood and that’s “fucking”, sometimes my wife doesn’t share that. It’s not because I’m unattractive (I most certainly am not!) but she’s had a long day. It’s time to understand that.  So if she’s not in the mood and you are (which I ALWAYS am) leave the room and go feed the geese. Go give the ol’ rod a long hand shake and RELAX.
  3. Relax. This is a theme. If there’s one thing I get wound up on its finances. In 10 years together we’ve never missed a payment or bill. Yet, if she goes to town for a weekend I was doing back flips over how much money she’d spent. It’s only money. I don’t lord over her, we are equals and she can do what she wants because I trust her enough to make the best decision. She recently came back from a shopping trip to Toronto where she spent a mortgage payment. Before I would legit get Bell’s Palsy and my face would look like Harvey Dent got in a fight with a meat grinder, on THE GOOD SIDE. This time,  I didn’t stress and I didn’t even check the bank account. I know she appreciates that and we are better for it.
    This also builds on reason #1. Some of you guys out there are slobs. But I don’t like dirt and not getting the dishwasher emptied was like worse than getting your dick caught in a mouse trap. SO WHAT? Leave the dishes, go to bed with your Queen and attempt sex. If that doesn’t work see #2 again. Rinse. Repeat. Pull your goalie.
  4. Tell her you love her every day. Okay, this one I really never had much problem with. I always did this and I always will. To the point that I actually drive her a bit nuts. But life comes at you fast and you never know what can happen in the run of a day. I always loved her and always will, now I have a deeper appreciation for her. Sorry Lauren, I can’t change much here.
  5. Her activities are not meaningless compared to yours. Lauren is a social media darling and I used to hate it. I still struggle with it at times. I mean, what could be more important on Facebook than spending time stroking your husband’s ego or bird? I mean Facebook and snapchat and all that shit is meaningless drivel for the masses, right? ERRONEOUS. Lauren recently helped a mother of 4 who was diagnosed with cancer by using her social media outreach to raise $20 000. Meanwhile, I sulked because she wouldn’t watch the Leafs with me. Now, I always appreciated the raising money but not the constant interaction. But the interaction was building her followers base. More importantly, my wife uses all this to unwind. She has a stressful job and this relaxes her. Now, I have something that can relax her too (the D), but it’s not always about me. So if you’re perturbed that your wife is spending time on social media platforms, or yoga, or whatever, don’t be. Go have a protein shake or play some video games, whatever it is you do to relax and unwind. Give the ol’ trouser snake and five knuckled shuffle sure.
Courtesy Cheri Holloway Photo
There you go, five simple ways to improve your marriage.  In the long run I know they will improve mine. 


To Lauren, I love you gorgeous. You are my Queen and you’ll never feel like you aren’t again.

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